What a morning. I don't think I have digested things yet. All the effort, all the hope, all the pain might have been for nothing. I am afraid of getting angry. I am unsure if I could ever stop if I did. Of course I am saddened by The Dr.'s death. I just did not plan on dying with him! I did not expect him to take me with him. All those unreturned call were due to June's embarrassment that my lung transplant application was still on his desk, week after week while I tried to get it expedited.
It is not right. It is not fair. Why is this happening to me? I was ok last March with what my fate was. Then they opened a box that gave me hope. I had to change the way I think, my goals, the way I life. I did, too. I got onboard. I hoped and hoped and hoped. Now the dream is shattered because they did not do their jobs. I rang that fucking phone nine times while he was alive over three weeks and she did not have the decency to return a single one of them messages. Today, after my second message where I asked if I still had a doctor did she bother to reply. She told me she would try to find another pneumologist to look at it. I expressed my condolences and only asked about the fate of my application. She promised to call me back. I do not believe her for a minute. I know she means well but I just cannot trust my feelings to her anymore. They let me down as much as you can let down another human being. There was no excuse for not calling me back, for ignoring me all that time. It was a vile way to treat me. I really expected better from June. I thought she was one of my angels. That betrayal makes me want to cry.
I don't know what will happen with this particular blog. I sure as fuck do not seem to be in the hunt for new lungs at the moment.
I have lung cancer! I have nobody following me.
I have stage 4, end stage emphysema, I had two years or less to live last March for fucks sake! I have no pneumologist.
It has all fallen apart.
You just could not make this shit up.
No comments:
Post a Comment