Thursday, 11 June 2015

Trying to make sense

Nicole checked phone messages the other day and there was one from a dear lost friend.  I called back and found out that someone I once loved had died.  I was elated.  Overjoyed.  I danced on that motherfuckers grave.  Then I felt ashamed.  I never have felt that way before.  The departed was my blog troll.  The one who showed up to wish me death and tried to ruin my voice.  He also cost me a friendship of over 40 years.  That was what he wanted, and he got it.  He scared Nicole.  He cost me so much.  I think I have come to terms with my feelings.  I hope I never feel this way about another human being again.

I was rather bummed out last week when I wrote about the new tumour and no transplant.  I still am.  I am no longer on my "Action Plan" which means I no longer can prescribe myself Avelox and prednisone when I feel an infection coming on.  Now I have to wait until I get sick and then present to ER.  I currently have an infection in my lungs and we are waiting for it to get serious so I can get intubated or something.  Damned if I know.  

Nicole is crying a lot the whole last week.  All she has to do is look at me.  I am alternately sad then angry and oh so sad, powerless and small, very small.  Anyone who knows her, who knows what she has been through, what she will have to go through should be very ashamed of themselves for leaving her to her own devices while I struggle to live.  This breaks my heart.  

I have no idea what is next.  The last few days have been difficult indeed.  My breathing is getting worse fast.  The fires are getting big. Our property a disaster area. I put in earbuds and wait for what I do not know.  I only got energy to breathe now.  Anything else, its on someone else.  There ain't anyone else and I am broken.  There never will be anyone else.  

I think this will be the last post.  I feel like my blog is becoming grotesque now.  Mostly I feel scared I am going to become more alone than I am now.  Everyone leaves.  It's pretty damn lonely inside me.  I accept that I am responsible for everything that happened in my life.  Just me did it all.  I am rather glad that I no longer feel an overpowering need to understand why.  Why anything and everything really.  Shit just is.  Maybe I got over myself.  

It's time for me to think about my exit plan.  This is not a disease you sit and watch consume you unless you are really into suffering and like strokes and stuff.  So, thought has to be given to how and when I leave our world.  I had a 50% chance of being alive in two years, five years ago.  Shit does not get more real.  I am terrified of being locked in.  I have no energy left to fix things with, my mind does not work as well as it did.  Anxiety grinds me to a halt.  I watch life happen to me while being unable to affect life or things around me.  

This is my morning.  Writing actually has calmed me. 


I will find my moment and live in it
I will

For all the encouragement I found here, I thank you!  There was so much help and at the right times, so many messages of understanding.  Sometimes that was all I needed to bounce back well.  You all gave me the most precious gifts of all.  Your time and your love of a fellow traveller.  Graciousness that I will treasure forever.  Not one stranger ever uttered a discouraging word, there was only love, encouragement and understanding. From the bottom of my heart I thank you! 

I ain't going away.  I think I will start posting more on G+.  Music, my cats, musings.  I dunno.  I will get more active.  I need community.  I can't live without community.  

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

The Dream Lives on Forever Song by Todd Rundgren

I saw the Dr on Monday.  It was a routine visit to confirm the results of the ct scan on May 24th.  I knew it was routine, everything had been ok for almost two years.  Only it was not ok. There is a new tumour.  My window closes on Feb 28th 2017 here in Quebec.  There can be no transplant after that, I will be too old for this jurisdiction, no hope of ever trying another one either. Known tumors must show no growth for two years to be eligible for lung transplant, here in Quebec.  The Dr. cut me some slack.  If it miraculously disappears in the next three months he may consider forwarding me.  I get a scan in September.  There is no more hope.  I promised Nicole I would stay on track for the summer.  Keep hope alive.  I don't have any, I don't want any.  I want it to end before it's too late.  Strokes, heart attacks, being left a veg.  Fuck that. I know what is ahead and I want none of it.  We are pretty sure I had a TIA  in the last couple of months as it bloody is. 

I am scared.  I am alone and that is not going to change.  Nicole can't cope.  Our world crashes in around us.  Every option is more impossible than just staying which is impossible anyway.  I can't breathe if I even think about it.  It all just will happen.  Lovely.  A few more months, Russ.  Focus, while not focusing.  I will never leave this house alive, I will never sell it to extend my miserable existence by a day.  It makes no financial sense in the world, it will never happen. 

In spite of it all, this delusional man finds peace in the middle of the night when all is silent.  May you all be so lucky. I have had the luxury of time to reflect and make peace.  I have done so.  I found kindred spirits through my blog.  For the better part of three years the G+ platform and an online game provided me with community.  FB, the telephone and normal networking activities did nothing to ease my growing isolation.  The blog only served to distance people in my RL further from me.  There are no reconnects.  Life moved on.  Perception is reality and time is unavailable. The blog served a useful purpose for me for a period. I will hopefully make a couple more entries between now and the end of the dream in September. This blog will terminate the day the transplant dream dies officially, September 24th, baring a miracle.  

In the moment