Thursday, 11 June 2015

Trying to make sense

Nicole checked phone messages the other day and there was one from a dear lost friend.  I called back and found out that someone I once loved had died.  I was elated.  Overjoyed.  I danced on that motherfuckers grave.  Then I felt ashamed.  I never have felt that way before.  The departed was my blog troll.  The one who showed up to wish me death and tried to ruin my voice.  He also cost me a friendship of over 40 years.  That was what he wanted, and he got it.  He scared Nicole.  He cost me so much.  I think I have come to terms with my feelings.  I hope I never feel this way about another human being again.

I was rather bummed out last week when I wrote about the new tumour and no transplant.  I still am.  I am no longer on my "Action Plan" which means I no longer can prescribe myself Avelox and prednisone when I feel an infection coming on.  Now I have to wait until I get sick and then present to ER.  I currently have an infection in my lungs and we are waiting for it to get serious so I can get intubated or something.  Damned if I know.  

Nicole is crying a lot the whole last week.  All she has to do is look at me.  I am alternately sad then angry and oh so sad, powerless and small, very small.  Anyone who knows her, who knows what she has been through, what she will have to go through should be very ashamed of themselves for leaving her to her own devices while I struggle to live.  This breaks my heart.  

I have no idea what is next.  The last few days have been difficult indeed.  My breathing is getting worse fast.  The fires are getting big. Our property a disaster area. I put in earbuds and wait for what I do not know.  I only got energy to breathe now.  Anything else, its on someone else.  There ain't anyone else and I am broken.  There never will be anyone else.  

I think this will be the last post.  I feel like my blog is becoming grotesque now.  Mostly I feel scared I am going to become more alone than I am now.  Everyone leaves.  It's pretty damn lonely inside me.  I accept that I am responsible for everything that happened in my life.  Just me did it all.  I am rather glad that I no longer feel an overpowering need to understand why.  Why anything and everything really.  Shit just is.  Maybe I got over myself.  

It's time for me to think about my exit plan.  This is not a disease you sit and watch consume you unless you are really into suffering and like strokes and stuff.  So, thought has to be given to how and when I leave our world.  I had a 50% chance of being alive in two years, five years ago.  Shit does not get more real.  I am terrified of being locked in.  I have no energy left to fix things with, my mind does not work as well as it did.  Anxiety grinds me to a halt.  I watch life happen to me while being unable to affect life or things around me.  

This is my morning.  Writing actually has calmed me. 

love

I will find my moment and live in it
I will

For all the encouragement I found here, I thank you!  There was so much help and at the right times, so many messages of understanding.  Sometimes that was all I needed to bounce back well.  You all gave me the most precious gifts of all.  Your time and your love of a fellow traveller.  Graciousness that I will treasure forever.  Not one stranger ever uttered a discouraging word, there was only love, encouragement and understanding. From the bottom of my heart I thank you! 

I ain't going away.  I think I will start posting more on G+.  Music, my cats, musings.  I dunno.  I will get more active.  I need community.  I can't live without community.