Wednesday, 3 June 2015

The Dream Lives on Forever Song by Todd Rundgren

I saw the Dr on Monday.  It was a routine visit to confirm the results of the ct scan on May 24th.  I knew it was routine, everything had been ok for almost two years.  Only it was not ok. There is a new tumour.  My window closes on Feb 28th 2017 here in Quebec.  There can be no transplant after that, I will be too old for this jurisdiction, no hope of ever trying another one either. Known tumors must show no growth for two years to be eligible for lung transplant, here in Quebec.  The Dr. cut me some slack.  If it miraculously disappears in the next three months he may consider forwarding me.  I get a scan in September.  There is no more hope.  I promised Nicole I would stay on track for the summer.  Keep hope alive.  I don't have any, I don't want any.  I want it to end before it's too late.  Strokes, heart attacks, being left a veg.  Fuck that. I know what is ahead and I want none of it.  We are pretty sure I had a TIA  in the last couple of months as it bloody is. 

I am scared.  I am alone and that is not going to change.  Nicole can't cope.  Our world crashes in around us.  Every option is more impossible than just staying which is impossible anyway.  I can't breathe if I even think about it.  It all just will happen.  Lovely.  A few more months, Russ.  Focus, while not focusing.  I will never leave this house alive, I will never sell it to extend my miserable existence by a day.  It makes no financial sense in the world, it will never happen. 

In spite of it all, this delusional man finds peace in the middle of the night when all is silent.  May you all be so lucky. I have had the luxury of time to reflect and make peace.  I have done so.  I found kindred spirits through my blog.  For the better part of three years the G+ platform and an online game provided me with community.  FB, the telephone and normal networking activities did nothing to ease my growing isolation.  The blog only served to distance people in my RL further from me.  There are no reconnects.  Life moved on.  Perception is reality and time is unavailable. The blog served a useful purpose for me for a period. I will hopefully make a couple more entries between now and the end of the dream in September. This blog will terminate the day the transplant dream dies officially, September 24th, baring a miracle.  

In the moment