This winter, like most, feels never ending. While it seems such a small thing, my hopes are all tied to getting outside the house, finally, once it warms up. Somehow being outside in the warmth of the sun will make everything better.
I hope when I get out of the house I will be able to walk a lot to strengthen myself. When I walk more than a few steps lately, unless I pace myself at a ridiculously slow speed, I am head spinning, eyes closed tight, breathless instantly. This happens hundreds of times a day. I feel my heart, too. Sharp shooting pains. Hopefully this is a product of my imagination. I don't know.
The sameness of my days is wearing on me. My mind, when I am not struggling physically and at rest forgets the disease and the handicaps. A hundred fresh starts and a hundred walls a day. Either I never learn or I am indomitable. I can't decide which is true. Probably both.
Two months since the echocardiogram and fucking Dr. P., the cardio who is tasked with fixing my fucking heart still has not granted me a fucking audience. I sent a sarcastic email this morning. I see Dr. A. at the end of April. If I have doubts about Dr. P. at that time I will dump him and get another cardiologist.
I need to get my mind busy. Living in the moment probably does not mean ignoring everything.
Thursday, 13 March 2014
When I got home from the evaluation at Notre Dame I purged my mind of all of things medical. Two weeks later I am still not dealing with any of it in any way whatsoever. These few thoughts are about all that have crossed my mind about my situation. I needed to get a CT scan and an echocardiogram to the appropriate doctors so they can determine if the growth has grown and how my heart has been doing for the last 5 months or so. So far, I can't be bothered. I will get it done soon.
I am well enough, not stressed much at all. I know I have to get my ass in gear. There just does not seem to be much of a rush.
Restless. I feel restless. That must be good.