Tuesday, 25 March 2014

Hey, you! Yes you! Wake up!

This winter, like most, feels never ending.  While it seems such a small thing, my hopes are all tied to getting outside the house, finally, once it warms up.  Somehow being outside in the warmth of the sun will make everything better.  

I hope when I get out of the house I will be able to walk a lot to strengthen myself.  When I walk more than a few steps lately, unless I pace myself at a ridiculously slow speed, I am head spinning, eyes closed tight, breathless instantly.  This happens hundreds of times a day.  I feel my heart, too.  Sharp shooting pains.  Hopefully this is a product of my imagination.  I don't know.

The sameness of my days is wearing on me.  My mind, when I am not struggling physically and at rest forgets the disease and the handicaps.  A hundred fresh starts and a hundred walls a day.  Either I never learn or I am indomitable.  I can't decide which is true. Probably both.

Two months since the echocardiogram and fucking Dr. P., the cardio who is tasked with fixing my fucking heart still has not granted me a fucking audience. I sent a sarcastic email this morning.  I see Dr. A. at the end of April.  If I have doubts about Dr. P. at that time I will dump him and get another cardiologist.  

I need to get my mind busy.  Living in the moment probably does not mean ignoring everything.  

Thursday, 13 March 2014


When I got home from the evaluation at Notre Dame I purged my mind of all of things medical.  Two weeks later I am still not dealing with any of it in any way whatsoever.  These few thoughts are about all that have crossed my mind about my situation.  I needed to get a CT scan and an echocardiogram to the appropriate doctors so they can determine if the growth has grown and how my heart has been doing for the last 5 months or so.  So far, I can't be bothered.  I will get it done soon.

I am well enough, not stressed much at all.  I know I have to get my ass in gear.  There just does not seem to be much of a rush.

Restless.  I feel restless.  That must be good.