Tuesday, 8 July 2014

Is it July already?

The last couple of weeks have been eventful, full of good stuff, with a bit of bad, and, some just plain weird tossed into the mix. 

The bloody disease is working hard to finish it's awful work. Today, I feel as good as I could possibly feel, and it still feels good enough to want to go on, but, I have so little capacity, so little energy, less than I ever imagined could be possible. The control I have over all expenditure of energy is quite amazing actually. The down side is optimum quality of life means do not move quickly, move slowly and methodically, do not use energy faster than it takes to recover it back. Do not try to move five feet "normally", you will be so out of breath that passing out, collapsing your lungs or having a heart attack are all real possibilities. If you moved those five feet while trying to cross a street, too bad. When your energy runs out it runs out instantly, not like in past life. It Is Instantaneous, there is no reserve. You are going down. There is being scared for no good reason and there is scared for a good reason. I avoid going out at all without support, now.  Outside my home is too far to go.  I cannot.  It would be the most stupid thing I could possibly do. 

I imagine I am having some difficulty in adjusting to the changes.

Wayne and Wilson took me out for lunch last Wed.  It was great.

The Saturday before, I saw my nieces for the first time in a long time. It was lovely. They know I always love them, and I could feel that they love me and Nicole, too. There were hurtful events surrounding that visit, but, nothing to do with them. That's just the way it is, I guess.

Wayne arranged for a club mate of his to come and pick me up on Sunday so I could spend the afternoon at Pointe Claire LBC. It was nice but a bit bittersweet. I have been away for a couple of years now, there are a lot of new people I don't know and a lot of the folks I played with and against for two decades are gone. Very bittersweet indeed. Monday, yesterday, I slept and curled up on the couch with a blanket. All that activity left me wasted. 

Friday last was my second visit to the lung transplant mecca, Notre Dame Hospital. I had an echocardiogram scheduled. I did not get results, but, the attending Doctor said in passing that things looked pretty good.  I think she knew what she was doing.  Everbody knows that a requisition from Dr. Poirier has to do with a lung transplant. So, I am hopeful, but a little more scared of the process and it becomes more concrete and more likely.

I really do not know how to deal with losing my independence. The prospect keeps me looking everywhere but where I ought to be looking.

I have neglected G+ for weeks. Ostrich syndrome.  I am out of the moment.