Sunday, 24 May 2015


Too much to say too much noise. Negative abounds.  That evil self destructive voice is lurking, drawing me in.  I hear it in the shadows.  If I am consciously aware, catch it happening, it can't make me do things to harm myself.  I am sure getting depressed would be very bad. 

Had the two year scan this morning.  It marked two years of no change in a tumor thought to be cancerous.  That tumor cost me two years of listing.  I am now waiting for my Dr to confirm and send me to get listed if if if if if if if.
I will go, I will try.  I will fail.

I am losing all around strength now, muscles fading.  I can't put out enough energy to be stable anymore.  I feel shit in my chest. 

Nicole and I are living intensely, too much so.  She voices her fears about her future, she knows I got little left to fight with.  She cries sometimes when we talk about how she is going to have to try very hard to not lose her autonomy.  I am trying so hard to make it easy.  Failing there too. 

I reckon I can juggle shit and keep us in our home for a while.  That I won't fail at.  I leave here in a box. 

Sweet, sweet visit from my game friends.  I felt so much love.  A highlight of my life.  One day I might write about cookie and the game.  Scott stayed five days.  The others a day.  I cried a little when scott left.

Ear buds, music and back to chill thoughts.  I manage to stay in most moments, with a little help from my friends.