Thursday 12 September 2013

To sit at my keyboard today is not the same as it has been since I started.  To rip one straight from Dexter, I got me a dark passenger (that would be depression) at the moment.  It has been many years since it was more than a shadow.  It's just a part of me, I am not under any illusion, and I face it.   Today it is no shadow.  It blocks out the light.  I know the light is there, so I have reference if I keep faith.  The dark shadow tries very hard to stip away the faith.  Faith, you just hold on to, once you learned the trick. I got a good, strong, tenuous hold. :)

It's all like that.  Everything.  From the biggest to the smallest of the small.  That dark shadow will make it far too complex, make it impossible, make it unlikely, make it in no way double fucking possible.

I felt it when I was coming to consciousness while intubated.  The notion that anything positive was going on would take a good long while to process.  That of course represented no problem per se because I was on the outer limits of that propofol Mike Jackson stuff.  In what seemed to be a relative short period of time, and with a surprising lack of discomfort, it did not reach pain level, out came the tube and I felt like I was being reborn.  It  felt so wonderful.

I'll publish this and then just add to it later.  I am not posting to FB for a while.

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