It is a different me sitting here today than it was a few months ago. The man who was taking things a step at a time and finding joy is nowhere to be found.  The pressure, stress and anxiety of waiting has crushed me.  Today I expected some resolution to something, anything.  A beginning to something.  Stupid infernal optimist. Instead,  The Dr. informed us that the MIBI test report shows heart damage, regardless of what the cardiologist told us when we saw him ten days ago.  The Dr. insists that I need to see and be evaluated by another cardiologist before he can send in my lung transplant application.  So, now I am waiting for that call, and that appointment and probably more tests.  

The Dr. was very displeased with the records from my hospital stay.  I had looked at the information package they had given me when I was discharged, specifically the MIBI results, and tried to make sense of them.  I could see that the report mentioned things like "St abnormality, possible inferior subendocardial injury," and a number of other possible defects that had been found as a result of the test.  What the hell do I know, I thought.  The hospital cardiologist had assured me when they let me out that my heart had not suffered any injury.  The cardio I saw two weeks ago said my heart had not been injured and was fine, and he had the MIBI results in front of him.  The Dr. does not agree, or at least he wants another cardiologist of his choice to either agree or disagree that my heart is up to the job of enduring a double lung transplant. I have no option but to agree with The Dr.  I hope it will not be a long wait.  

My cancer is a sleeping dog and it will be left to lie, undisturbed. The Dr. emphasized that the cancer had not grown and was the same slow moving non virulent cancer it was back in March when it was discovered.  Contrary to what my imagination tells me the cancer has not spread to my brain nor my penis via my blood and there is no good reason to suspect otherwise.  I was nevertheless, stunned, shocked and disappointed that we were not attacking it. The Dr. has all of my eggs in the transplant basket.  He does not want any scar tissue from radiation on my lung to complicate a transplant.  There was no talk about my lung cancer being an impediment to getting on the transplant list.  The heart is a potential show stopper.  He said we need to deal with that first, and right away.  

I had a lot of questions that I did not get to ask.  I was and am very unhappy about that.  I was rushed through the appointment, there was information I wanted The Dr. to have and there was information I wanted from him that was left hanging.  At first, after we went through the hospital stay and the MIBI and cardio reports he was walking to the door and declaring the appointment over. His waiting room was full.  I did not get up and reacted in a shocked manner.  We had not even talked about my cancer!  He did then slow down and walked me through what I have explained earlier in the post.  After that I felt a bit better.

We have not heard from NOVA yet.  I hope they come soon.  We really need help.  This week still has a couple of days left in it.  I am feeling depressed and wracked with anxiety.  Anxiety seems to be about the only thing I will let myself feel.  I want to get back to just thinking about now, this moment.  That mindset feels so far away now.  I am afraid of everything, sure that the next minute or hour will bring another attack.  

My family Dr. called yesterday to make an appointment with me.  I suppose she has been advised of my hospitalization.  I declined to make an appointment because I was so certain that I would be starting radiation right away.  As much as I detest the idea of another appointment with another Dr., I better make the appointment.  She is the only Dr. in the loop who thinks of me as something other than an organ.