I made my call this morning asking for some help.  Again, I am lucky in that I have known the head nurse of the local non profit group that offers psychological and social support for cancer patients and their caregivers.  We talked for quite a while, she has known me for about 20 years.  Within a couple of days I am going to have a chance to sit with a psychologist who specializes in helping people deal with the emotional issues that come along with a debilitating disease.

There will be more services available.  Caregivers are supported.  Nicole needs help, too.  I was her caregiver for a period of years.  I know how hard it can be.  It is often harder on them than on the patient.  They will be able to help us with upkeep of our house.  We just cannot do it anymore without help.  There are so many things we need to deal with and we really only have energy to do the most basic of things.  

It was very cool talking to my nurse friend.  I know I have a great group of people who are going to be able to help us in a lot of ways. They will get me to and from my cancer treatments, also.  I feel a great relief.  Within a couple of days some really professional people whom I trust are going to come to me and help me get focused for the job at hand.  That alone lends me some calmness, the first I have felt for days.  

The Dr. called this morning as well.  I will see him on the 25th for what will be the big handoff to the Jewish General and the oncologists.  I truly hope he is ready to formally make my application for a lung transplant.  If it is up in the air still, well I will live with that.  If it's just not going to be possible I want to know that too.  Now.  

So, thats today.  Its been a bit of a trip.  A lot of emotions.  A lot of sharing with Nicole, I cannot hide from her, I have to be honest with her all the time about what is going on with me.  It is high time we look out for Nicole.  This is brutal on her, and she is significantly handicapped on her own.  Aphasia ain't no picnic even when you can operate at a fairly high level.  A lot of this happens in the dark for her and it is terrifying.  This weighs on me a lot.  I feel good about getting her into my health support loop.  I sure can't live without her.  She needs to be healthy and happy and not overwhelmed with work and caregiving.  Right now she is overwhelmed.  Something had to give.  We did the right thing today. I am lucky enough to have had the right contact in the right place.  I am so fucking lucky when you really stop to think about it.  

You all have a good day.  I am on my way back.  Love to everybody.