Friday 27 September 2013

Ok.  Calm the fuck down.  Just do it.  Vibrating and a heart rate of 140 is not the route to a happy day.  

Dr. P's (the cardio that The Dr. wants for my heart eval) office called this morning to verify that I wanted, and that The Dr. wanted, a consultation with him.  Dr. P. had noticed that the cardiologist I saw last week was indicated as the Dr following me on my discharge papers.  I had to explain and tell them that The Dr. wanted Dr. P. to do the evaluation of my heart to determine if it is sufficiently strong to endure a double lung transplant.  I hope that suffices as an explanation for him and that I get another call with an appointment, soon!  It was pretty obvious that The Dr. was not impressed with the cardiologist I saw ten days ago and the lack of any kind of report.  The day ended without a call back from Dr. P., which left me concerned, of course.  Maybe today, eh?


So, I think I realized something, possibly important, last evening while I was glancing at the last Montreal Canadiens pre season game and thinking about things.  Most of the anxiety and stress I feel is coming from my desire for a lung transplant and the uncertainty that I will actually get one.  The transplant hope is distracting me from today, from right now.  I think about the future more than I do the present.  Current internal dialogue goes something like this: "OMG if I do not get a transplant I am going to die pretty soon, what do I need to do, what can I do, what's next, why don't they call?"  Totally stressful!  Before transplant talk, and before cancer, before a lung transplant got way complex because of my body betrayal, the internal dialogue was something like this: "yes, you are sick,  yes your living time is short, but you are lucky!!"  "You get to see everything again, for the first time." "You have the opportunity to live and love, to find joy and laugh and use the time well, as you want."

I think I need to live, to get up every morning, as if there was no possibility of a lung transplant.  It is such a long shot anyway, very, very long odds against me.  I need to keep hope, but to keep it on the back burner, so to speak.  It ought not to be omnipresent, always in the forefront of my mind.  Being happy, loving Nicole, my family and my friends is paramount.  I have forgotten that.  I got distracted by hope.  I already have life.  High time to remember to live now, today.  










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