Faith. God, Buddha, Mohammed many other choices of organized religions and subsets are available.  You can be agnostic or atheist.  My parents were teenagers when I was born.  My mom was Anglican and my dad was Catholic.  I think my dad still remembered vividly the beatings he suffered at the hands of the kind brothers who taught at his school and the vast quantity of catechism he was forced to memorize or get beat again.  He told me often about simply being punched in the face, in class, as were the other boys.  I don't recall ever hearing stories about my dad being a problem kid.  It was simply the system.  My mom and dad sent me to protestant school and to an Anglican church for Sunday school.

I actually loved the Sunday school I went to.  One of the first things even the youngest of children were taught was that the stories in the bible were parables, stories, used to illustrate an important lesson.  There was no hellfire.  There was being kind to others, doing good if you could, and giving back when possible.  The ten commandments were a biggie.  It was gentle, and human and not doctrinaire as far as I could see.  I stayed involved with the church until I was perhaps 15.   I followed lent, it was rather easy since my church was right across the street from my school, and I know it pleased my mother.  Church and sunday school was a seasonal activity.  It shut down for the summer.

I don't pray in a traditional kneel and say a prayer.  When I meditate or try to allow my mind to empty, there is nothing like a prayer involved.  At this stage of my life I am not a prospect for your church or faith group.  I talk to my Dad who is dead.  I like to tell him about all of the changes in the world since he left.  He never answers back.  I think I feel my grandmothers who have passed but they also do not talk to me.  I feel my mother.  She also is silent.

That being said, my interest in things spiritual are much more active than they ever have been before.  Twice in one week I without a doubt attempted to communicate directly with God.  Once to ask please kill me and once to please not harvest me yet.  Make up your mind already, huh?

Somehow I don't think that described situation is prayer, it is fear.  One comes from continued unendurable pain during an event, the other from being conscious enough during a life threatening situation to be afraid of dying.  

On Saturday afternoon one of my neighbours knocked on my door to see how I was doing.  We had not seen each other for a while and he knew the fire truck and ambulances a couple of weeks ago were for me.  He has always been a very nice fellow to speak with.  Any hard case atheist could not as much as talk to him.  He is a born again Christian and he takes this very, very seriously.  He and I get along fine.  He actually listens and respects and does not proselytize very aggressively and stops entirely when either asked to do so or he realizes it is appropriate.  He is a nice smart guy with strong convictions.  I can't help but like him.  We talked for quite a while on my front steps about faith, God and the universe.  He doesn't hit me up with the Bible.  He respects while not agreeing with my views expressed a little earlier.   He invited me to his prayer group and I politely declined.  He asked if he could have his group pray for a miracle to cure me.  I refused, telling him I am far too much a man of science to pray for a cure to an incurable disease.  I did accept happily to be added to the prayer list for an ease of my suffering.  Quite a pattern here.  Pray.  For me.  Uh huh.  Needs some work I think.  We are going to sit down and have a couple of beers later in the week.

I need to beware of falling into the trap of looking for answers to the big questions.  I highly doubt they will be forthcoming.  What I think I need to do is to reinforce the beliefs that I have built up over a lifetime of living, learning and being taught.  Perhaps refine those beliefs, and perhaps if I am immensely fortunate find someone or a situation that gives me a fresh perspective to look at things from.

I am God, you are God, we are all God.  God is everywhere and in everything.  60 years and its all I got to show for it.  It is what is in my heart, but it is so hard to be sure about these things, and I think uncertainty in matters of faith is probably a solid sign of sanity or at least free thinking.

I got up really early for me today, about 6 am.  I am fighting the dark cloud today still, but it seems less intense.  That son of a bitch knows I see it clear as day and I am going to take steps today to slay it.  On that positive note I am going to hug my wife, pet a cat and see if I can have a bath this morning.  I tried last night and could not stand being in the humidity.  Normally I love my bath, a short shot of high humidity can actually make the lungs feel better.  That did not happen last night.  Going to try again today.  I loves me my baths.