Monday morning waiting mode. I think I am getting a cold. The last two days I have felt a bit out of sorts. That is way scary. I have not yet reached for the emergency antibiotics and prednisone. I will hold out a bit longer. I hope and expect to hear from The Dr. this week, and I fully expect there will be no more delays.
I have been thinking off and on for the last week or so about how I am feeling emotionally and it is not at all a straightforward thing. For much of my life I have viewed my emotions with distrust. Emotion hurts. I think to a great degree I turned them off and life was better for a long time, decades even. Of course you cannot really turn emotion off, but, you can clamp a very tight lid on them. I am starting to suspect that rather than feeling good I am noting an absence of feeling bad. Is this really living in the moment, this lack of self analysis, this lack of feeling? Ultimately trying to live without emotional content fails, and fails spectacularly with depression and anxiety, at least in my experience. That is not happening now but I am wary.
It is almost as if I only know two ways to be. One way I am full of self doubts, uncertain and questioning of everything, every motive, every action, every thought. Lost, floating, unsure of anything at all, ever. The other, blissfully ignorant and accepting.
I don't know how I feel, really. How I am feeling seems to be a deep dark secret that my unconscious self will not share with my conscious self. Comfortably numb. I wonder how much of my "happiness" is the result of absence of pain and suffering in the short term? I think I am just existing. I have been completely unsuccessful in addressing my thoughts of late. As soon as I start to see, the fleeting thoughts retreat. There is something that I need to understand.
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