Lana is going to pick me up in about an hour to drive me to see Dr. P. the cardiologist.  Supposedly I will know finally if my heart is up to standard for a lung transplant.  I have no confidence that I really will find out today.  Something will creep up and keep me in a holding pattern.  The information I have so far does not seem to add up.  

The good part of all this is my attitude.  I wish I knew how I do it, at least sometimes.  How is it that I can detach enough to not worry about ANYTHING a lot of the time and other times I vibrate at a million cycles a second with anxiety.  Dunno.  No farking idea really.  

Nicole and I talked a bit this morning about just that.   I told her that I would be just as happy to have the transplant called off as I would to have it go ahead.  Maybe that does not make sense to someone else, but it feels true to me.  Once I am told I cannot have one then life resumes most simply.  Right now I feel like I could live forever just as I am.  Maybe it might not feel like hope is gone, but rather like it feels now, that it is time to live today, everyday.  The transplant hopes represent chaos and uncertainty, stress and pain from the moment it happens until I die from a related effect somewhere in the unknown future. 

I do feel pretty good at the moment and that is just fine.   

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