I was up early this morning.  This is the day.  I have no more patience.  I left a message with June yesterday, and I found The Dr.'s fax number and sent a pleading fax to him directly.  At 8:00 AM I will call and make it clear that I am not going away until I get my scan and all the rest.  I cannot take it anymore and stay sane, if indeed I still am.  

Dying is taboo.  Watch them fall over themselves as they scurry away.  

I cannot afford to fix my used car and keep it running.  Taxes on my house are two years behind.  Answering the phone is a touchy thing.  I can't bring myself to deal with anything. I have said nothing to anyone, yet.  I cannot lose my house!  It's for Nicole's retirement.  She is going to live a long time still.  We cannot live cheaper somewhere else than we can here.  This is scary.  

Nicole, I love her so much!  It breaks my heart to watch her watch me.  It is hell.  She wishes she was not aphasic so she could do more for me.  As if.  She is everything.  I am so hard on her.  I have to constantly challenge her, make her work hard mentally.  

Before The Dr. said transplant it was all so simple.  I had an incurable lung disease.   I would have been dead before the cancer ate me up. I had come to terms with that.  Now, my world is upside down.  Anxiety courses through me.  I think about what I am signing on for and wonder if it's what I really want.