If I let myself feel anything right now nothing good would happen. Staying numb, not thinking, is the thing, at least for now. If I get all logical and think things out in my current state of mind the only conclusion would be to get serious right now about planning out the end game of my life. I have not done that beyond knowing that the best case scenario if I want to avoid becoming stroked out, locked in and the other horrible fates that await me, is going to be suicide. Any other choice and I will risk having things happen to me that I am more afraid of than I am of dying.
Nicole and I have talked about "it", and I have broached the subject with my family and friends. Everybody seems to understand. No one has suggested that my thinking is cloudy on the subject. I want to live! I think everybody recognizes that. I am even willing to suffer quite a bit more than I already do, to live a little more, but there must be a limit otherwise I risk losing control of my own fate. Go massive heart attack! Go team! Just not yet, please.
By time I left Dr. P.'s office yesterday we were smiling at each other, I had calmed down. Notre Dame had not sent him anything. Two months and nothing. At least I have data from him to send to Notre Dame, but it will amount to nothing, I am no stronger than I was and the prognosis only gets worse with time. He did not remember, even with my file open what drugs he had prescribed. He asked me for my drug list, I said no, use my chart, you tell me. It took him ten minutes during which I grew increasingly angry with him as I caught him out on various points which indicated he was virtually unfamiliar with said chart. He told me, no kidding, honest, that if I was in Lakeshore for something and surgery was indicated he would sign off on it. I pointed out that ALL of my pneumologists assure me that I would not survive any surgical procedure. He replied that, well that's your lungs,your heart is up to it. He don't know it yet but his ass is fired. Dr. A., when I see you later this month we need to coordinate this circus.
One thing that Dr. P. said that makes sense: It may be time to apply to other jurisdictions, specifically Toronto. Montreal is known to have really strict criteria, Toronto is more flexible. As if.
I would have had no way to end this positive today, but, my old friends Wilson and Wayne just called and they are coming to drag my sorry ass out to lunch at a brew pub. Happy Daze.
I love you all.
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