It is probably safe to say I survived winter now. I would not have bet on it six months ago, but hey, I have never been much of a gambler anyway. I turned 60 a month ago. Sixty I never thought I would see. Family history and a decade of hell bent self destruction seemed to ensure I would not. Here I am, though. Mentally I am stronger than I ever have been before. I know who I am and I love that person. I have learned my lessons well. I don't have any answers as to my direction at the moment. I feel lost but I have not stopped searching. I lack a dream, something to work for and towards. Perhaps that is too harsh. I do have something and that is Nicole. Making sure she will be ok now and in the future. For sure that is my main goal in life now and forevermore. I mean me, myself, I. What do I yearn for? What do I want beyond a good death? Physically, I feel perfectly powerful until I move. When I do, all of my energy is instantly vaporizes into nothing. Empty. Fall down in a heap empty. I am constantly surprised by this. Constantly. Every time I expect to be like I was. Strong, coordinated, quick. I am not. This is too rude. Like a baby, helpless in a heap. The infernal optimist will be fooled again and again and again. There is seemingly no end to the surprise my weakness brings, each and every time I get up. Outright stupidity and self deception or indomitable spirit? Indomitable I say! I have no dream, no yearnings and that is bad, bad, bad! You can't look forward without a dream, and if you don't look forward you are dead. I am not dead. I need a dream!
I need to write everyday, honestly without ego, with perspective. I have been asleep, wasting my time being introspective and closed. Open flower, open. Spring is here! Live! Love! Blow up that bubble! Now!
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