Changes

The last five or six weeks have been full of difficulties. None on their own serious.  All of a sudden my lungs became far less elastic, I can feel it.  This caused me to run into serious breathing difficulties virtually all the time, from any movement, any emotion.

At first I did not understand what was happening to me.  I did become quite afraid for a period of weeks.  Fortunately I did not get depressed, not in the slightest.  I am more thankful for that than anyone will ever be able to understand. 

I adapted to slowing down even more. Glacial.  I never stopped moving, doing.  Not one day.  Doing that was the hardest thing I have ever done.  I know I have to keep moving.  I will die within weeks if I stop.  I just know it. 

We kept cheerful, laughing all the bloody time at everything.  Everything. 

I had to withdraw into myself.  Focus all my energy on me here and now.  Hence the silence. 

A week or so ago I had a flash back from pulmonary rehab that I think has given me a lot more time.  Enough time.  I am now virtually certain I am going to be on the lung transplant list, fast tracked, sometime next spring.  I have already been called back to Notre Dame.

The trick I remembered was ratings.  One through ten chart.  How breathless are you at this instant? 

I remembered the drills.  I bought in wholesale.   I conditioned myself over a few weeks.

There is a tiny part of my brain that knows the number.  One through five keep going.  At seven, stop in place.  At eight go sit down for twenty minutes.  Past eight and your are fucked, and maybe on your way to the hospital in an ambulance. 

Easy peasy!

Back to work.  Back to being in control. 

Gotcha

Doctors week this week.  Feeling quite poorly today and for the first time since January I will invoke action plan and hit the prednazone.   I am about one hundred pounds.  Hitting the fats now.

Love everybody