If I had actually wrote down all I had composed in my mind this month, I would have written at least five thousand words, probably more. There are a couple of reasons why thoughts that should be appearing here are not. First, I am profoundly detached from most everything, which is not all bad, considering. Second, I am censoring my thoughts for a number of reasons, all of them bad.
It has been a hard month physically. I had a cold, and an abscess. I ended up having to take prednisone and more antibiotics for a couple of weeks. I feel ok now, more or less, but my breathing is weaker than ever. Back to being as busy as I can be in the house. I can move around, cook and do stuff for a couple of hours each day before I can't do it anymore. Mentally I think I am doing ok. I am detached from my illness, my fate. After all, there is nothing left to do but watch and see what will happen for a while. There will be time to make decisions and wonder about what will be, later. I am not detached from Nicole or my friends. I stay in the moment virtually all of the time, stress free and happy even when I feel ill. Asking for help is stressful as is hatefulness, but that's about it, at the moment.
ECG on Friday, followup to last summer's heart attacks. Next Wednesday Dr. A. reads the results of the CT scan and tells me how the tumor is doing, and afterwards to Notre Dame and The Lung Transplant Eval. I am almost indifferent. The only thing I am remotely worried about is how we are going to get there. I will make that damn Para Transport application this week!
Me, Sugar, Spicey and Nicole are doing fine.
No comments:
Post a Comment