Sunday 9 February 2014

Joy is where you look for it!

It has been a challenging ten days or so.  In spite of this I am feeling excellent overall.  Currently the right side of my face is swollen with an abscess from a tooth that broke last year.  I woke up during the night from the pain.  It started a few days ago and had not hurt much until now.  Throwing ibuprofen, antibiotics, prednisone and many canna caps at it.  In spite of this I am in a good mood, laughing with Nicole, playing with the cats.  Cannot go to the dentist without consultations.  

Last weekend the sewer backed up and water could not get out of the house.  Had a similar problem before so I was sure I knew what it was.  Told the plumber so.  Seemed correct for a few hours, too.  Then it wasn't.  Day after we did it again, right this time.  No more water.  $300 from that little "yeah we are getting ahead" pile.  Another $200 the next day from a burnt vacuum. Well, we had it to burn, eh?  Easy come, easy go.  Normally would have upset me enough to dwell on it.  Not this time.  Excellent was how I felt.

Nicole caught a cold about two weeks ago, a nasty one that laid her low for three days.  Very uncommon.  I thought I had escaped it until ten days or so ago when one day I woke up with zero energy.  My first thought, of course, is to defer to the words of hate, the self doubts, and to take a piss on myself.  That just makes me smile.  This is a reaction from the past.  This is a reaction that does not happen anymore with any real ferocity.  I have a cold.  I must lay low and take care of myself.  I need to contact Ester, make a plan and stick to it.  

It seems that no matter what happens to me my spirit is unaffected, I remain in the moment, alive, gloriously alive.  

I do not hate anyone.  Hate has never been a part of me or my thinking, ever.  I have tried.  I failed.  I am extraordinarily pleased about that.  I don't think you can be happy if you are able to hate.  

Am I deluding myself about my level of current happiness?  I think by now I would have cracked if this was so.  In the middle of the night when all is silent and all you can hear is your thoughts, I still feel the same level of contentment.  When tested I still feel the same level of contentment.  When I am in pain, same.   When you tell me you hate me and that I should be dead I feel sad but otherwise unaffected personally.  How can this be so? 

Many months ago I let the big questions go.  I learned how to let ego go, mostly, and I work on that everyday.  I love like a madman.  I wish people could feel what I feel.  I wish that angry people who hate, who use their hate to influence other people to hate too, also could change, could see, could grow, could get the help they need to exorcise the demons that torment them.  I wish that with all my heart.  One thing I have learned that gives me great comfort is that I will die with a smile.  There will be no torment, no fear of judgement.  I am a man with open eyes and a clear heart and mind and I shall pass accordingly.  Not yet, though.  I got me some more loving to do.  














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