Deep Freeze

This morning I am forcing myself to write.  It's time I did.  Way too much inside, way too much weight.  

My visit with the Doctor in early December had positive results on one front.  The growth on my left lung has not changed in any way.  It will be two years unchanged in late April I think, should it stay the same.  There seems to be no reason to think that it will change. The doctor thinks it is a scar.  The doctors at the Jewish had not heard from the doctors at Notre Dame so whether or not my heart is now up to transplant standards remains unknown.  I have not called for the results.  The doctor and nurse emphasized remaining comfortable, stress free and as active as possible.  The prognosis is grim indeed.  I have gone far further than most ever could.  I have a little left still.  I still have not gotten my flu shot. Did not want to bother the guys who take me to the hospitals, take a taxi or beg someone. I have to figure it out myself and I just can't anymore. 

Nicole made Christmas season awesome. I was so ready, I let myself go and enjoyed it immensely. It felt like my first and best Christmas ever. A couple of weeks of childhood memories was lovely. Peter joined us for Christmas dinner. Christmas season with just the two of us at home felt fine. It was not what I would have chose but there is nothing I can do about anything anymore. Breathe. We had a lovely visit from a little girl and her parents. We are still beaming from her loveliness and your thoughtfulness. 

I dont think I will have a transplant. Too much lined up against me. The level of support that it would require is not there. We can't manage now. How could we possibly manage then? I am being realistic when I think like this. I hurt her later by hanging on now. This is my brain at work. Don't take it personal anyone. There is no agenda at work here. This is a product of where we are at this time. This is going to be a wretched couple of months.  

Hopefully writing it out will help. I feel like I cant write. That more shit will ensue. Coward. That I don't like. How much more alone could I get? Rather funny and pathetic if you think about it cause I am and have been operating with an entirely pure heart. Really.


I don't spend my time drowning in thoughts like these. I am blessed to be able to transcend to a happy place most all of the time. This is what I am supposed to do, what I have to do in order to be alive tomorrow. I am quite successful at it. I love myself now. I love everything. I love you. I survive

G+ peeps: You make my heart glow