Relaxed, in the moment, and, bored.  All of the urgency that characterized the last four months of the year for me has evaporated.  We are deep in the heart of winter.  I don't feel sick at rest, I can do physical activity like walking or going up and down the stairs.  I vaccum, do dishes, cook along with other things.  I recover my breath quickly when I over exert.  These are indeed the good old days.  

My resilience amazes me.  Remember the chopped up knight with the "it's only a flesh wound" from Monty Python?  That's me.  After a bout of shortness of breath I'm smiling at Nicole telling her I am good.  I mean it, too.  

Nicole thinks this get up and fight attitude comes from my sports background.  I prided myself in being able to take a licking and keep on ticking.  

I used the only reference that made sense to me, sports.  It is all a game.  Training camp was two sessions of pulmonary rehab.  I bought into it with heart and soul and I worked hard, both times.  How amazing for me that I did!  That's why I get so much of "wow, you don't seem so sick."  I really do manage every inhale and every exhale.  I know when and how to be breathing for any and all movements my body makes.  Control.  I have it.  This comes from years of coaches like Doug Anakin bending over a knocked down me exhorting "get up McCarten, move, shake it off, do your job." Times when everything hurt, when you were frozen, terrified and ready to give up, you heard that voice, and you believed, and you got up.  The game already won because you would not quit.  

Then there are the times between matches or tests.  You practice your skills, you work on your conditioning and your mental preparedness.  You don't look ahead too much.  

Today I will pick up pencils and papers and teach myself new things. 

Nicole brings me constant joy.  

I love the little cats more and more all the time.  

The tree is down today.  I reclaim my view from the big window.  The world just got a little bigger.


Love.