My angiogram and hopefully my angioplasty will take place next Tuesday October 22nd.  If they pull the catheter out of me without having done angioplasty there will be no lung transplant.  That hope and dream will be over.  If I am lucky blocked arteries will be ballooned and have stents inserted.  If that happens I might still have a chance for a transplant.  

I went to the Royal Vic yesterday for a "pre op".  The normal drawing of blood, an EKG, and most importantly a meeting and interview with Nurse Wendy.  She was up to speed on my situation and condition thanks to Dr. P., my cardiologist.  The Dr.,s who will be doing the procedures know my situation.  They will know this is my last and only hope to potentially get on the list and hopefully have a lung transplant.  They will know that I cannot have any surgery to fix the flow of blood to my heart.  This is it.  While the image is perhaps overly dramatic, there will be a moment next week, a catheter snaked into my heart, when I will know hope is still alive, at least until either Dr. P. or The Dr. inform me otherwise, probably sometime in November, or, the catheter comes out and does not go back in with balloons and stents, the dream will die and I will know that there will be no escaping my fate.

When I got out of the hospital last month I was in a dreadful mental state.  Some of the medications I was taking were leaving me in a bad state.  Massive doses of steroids, powerful synthetic opioids left my head spinning and my emotions were all over the map.  That has all passed.  No steroids and no more of the nasty mood changing shit.  I feel calm mostly now.  My anxiety level is fairly low.  While I am apprehensive about the angiogram and whether or not I will still have hope after next week, I am ok with everything as it stands.  My lack of concern or significant anxiety makes me think that I am not really facing things as they are.  I have probably blocked my feelings from surfacing, an old survival strategy that is always doomed to long term failure.  

The cats are good, Nicole is wonderful and I am trying.