Nicole and I quietly celebrated our 28th anniversary on Saturday. I made us a nice dinner and dessert.
Notre Dame Hospital called me last week. I am going to have an echocardiogram there on July 4th. This is probably one of the two hurdles I have to get over if I am to get the lung transplant before it is too late. The other being a CT scan next April that shows no growth on that thingie in my left lung. So far so good. With the echocardiogram, at Notre Dame the heart decision will be rendered shortly. It is or it is not strong enough. Be nice to find out. Maybe I actually will.
The last month has sucked both mentally and physically. I am weaker, less able to do things, get drained faster and more completely and it takes longer to recover. I can literally feel my lungs, deflated and spasming trying to get up again. So far they always do, sorta. This is the new normal. There is no infection. I feel somewhat angry and very alone.
Spending far too much time worrying about friends, family and my blog. I need to overcome this. I think you are supposed to die with nothing left unsaid. I hate myself, sometimes, for self censoring my very thoughts as though they were toxic.
I will get back to writing. I will find my direction. I will not die politely. Maybe the next time someone asks me "how are you", I will tell the truth.
Love
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