Too much to say too much noise. Negative abounds. That evil self destructive voice is lurking, drawing me in. I hear it in the shadows. If I am consciously aware, catch it happening, it can't make me do things to harm myself. I am sure getting depressed would be very bad.
Had the two year scan this morning. It marked two years of no change in a tumor thought to be cancerous. That tumor cost me two years of listing. I am now waiting for my Dr to confirm and send me to get listed if if if if if if if.
I will go, I will try. I will fail.
I am losing all around strength now, muscles fading. I can't put out enough energy to be stable anymore. I feel shit in my chest.
Nicole and I are living intensely, too much so. She voices her fears about her future, she knows I got little left to fight with. She cries sometimes when we talk about how she is going to have to try very hard to not lose her autonomy. I am trying so hard to make it easy. Failing there too.
I reckon I can juggle shit and keep us in our home for a while. That I won't fail at. I leave here in a box.
Sweet, sweet visit from my game friends. I felt so much love. A highlight of my life. One day I might write about cookie and the game. Scott stayed five days. The others a day. I cried a little when scott left.
Ear buds, music and back to chill thoughts. I manage to stay in most moments, with a little help from my friends.
